


Garden of Blades

by Steel_Ideal



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/Zero, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms, Fate/stay night (Visual Novel), Kara no Kyoukai | The Garden of Sinners
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Route: Heaven's Feel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2019-01-28 14:50:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12609036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Steel_Ideal/pseuds/Steel_Ideal
Summary: But, if you’re to deny everything you’ve done to save one person - the crime will definitely judge you and you will crumble under its weight.[He had found his answer]In the wake of a bad end, Garan no Dou gains a new employee.





	Garden of Blades

**Disclaimer:** I have no claim of ownership over  _ Fate/stay night _ and its sister show,  _ The Garden of Sinners  _ and their affiliates.

 

**Chapter 0**

**-**

**Oath Under Snow: Part I**

 

The battle was over in a single breath. His labors had been for naught, yet this had been the more favorable outcome in the end. The boy with trembling lips that held the girl who had taken possession of his glass heart, said that he was going. He suppressed his feelings of grief and anguish, put his hand upon the red restraint that held the boundary that separated him from life and death, and walked away from the elder sister whose face was painted in the blood of the younger she had been forced to end.

 

She stood to stop him, to declare his quest a fool’s game. But in her most pivotal moment, she hesitated, any words of stern reprimand lost on her lips. There was nothing that she herself could say that would change his mind. There was nothing she could say to bridge the distance between them but she followed him regardless.

 

Her hesitation had determined the outcome of his journey.

 

“Emiya-kun…”

 

The battle had truly ended. The sister she had strove to kill, the girl he had decided to save even if it meant losing everything, had perished in his arms, eyes closed with a gentle smile Rin had never had the opportunity to see in life. An unadulterated gust of wind sweeps the boundary of the Greater Grail.

 

The boy is all that is left in her vision. It was not the power of her Servant that had brought him to this point. It was not the guidance of the holy king he had been forced to slay that had brought him to this unfavorable outcome. Using his own power, the boy fought against his own death and immortalized himself within legend.

 

All she could see now was his back to her.

 

He would never turn around and look back ever again. To do so would spit on the lives of everyone who had died for his failure. To do so would have meant that everything he had done to save the woman he loved had been for naught. Despite his failure, he had mastered the Shroud and the power it contained. His figure looks heroic and powerful. If there was any doubt within him before then it had perished in this very moment. He cast away all notions of victory and defeat when he released the cloth and took the battle to the black knight that had been his most stalwart companion.

 

“Shirou…”

 

Even with all that in her mind, Rin could not help but stare at him in sorrow. The more she looked at him, the more he looked like someone else. An eerie mirage of another figure who had lost everything and received nothing in return. It’s a foolish and sacred end without any hope for reward or a happy ending.

 

He disappears the more he walks on. His end goal withers away with each step. He won’t make it to that dream. That reality had been dashed aside eternally. Even if he were to make it to the end, he probably won’t remember what to do. The harsher reality was that he no longer had a goal and thus had no reason for existence. It’s for that very reason that he should stop here and now and wait for aide…

 

_ Senpai. _

 

“- Yeah, I remember.” Though his reason for living had perished along with his ideals, the echoes of her desire still rang through his bones, willing his body to move. To ensure that the promise he made would be kept even if she was gone. “Sakura… when we see each other again… let’s go see the flowers like we promised.”

 

He had one last role to fulfill.

 

In that moment, time has stopped. What should have taken a day to create becomes reality in a few simple moments of clarity. His body had forgotten how to breathe. Yet there was no pain or fear of death. There was no meaning in pain. His ideal had been lost but he still managed to retain his identity. All the shards of his very existence are gathered into this one single miracle he had experienced only once in life. There’s no meaning to existence without something to believe in. The meaning behind his existence had disappeared. It would be difficult to argue whether he was truly even alive. His enemy stood before him and yet his arms refused to move.

 

“Trace.”

 

Yet his mouth continues to move. There’s still something remaining even after his brain had failed to recognize the meaning behind his actions. His mind had forgotten but his body had not lost his way.

 

“On.”

 

His body had truly expired. Yet a corpse could still move as long as the spirit remained. Spinning the eight verses, the gears within his shattered mind and the arm that leeched away at his very being began to turn. And in that moment the spirit of Emiya Shirou has ceased to exist in this reality. The standing figure is no different from a machine. It’s programmed to swing the sword but it is nothing more than an empty shell filled with the hollow remnant of something that once lived there. But even without human intelligence to fuel its actions… there are still machines that weave many dreams in this world.

 

_ Kiritsugu, if you were willing to kill one person for the sake of the greater good, then I’m willing to accept all the evil that comes with saving them. _

**....**

 

**Panorama - 1**

 

_ His body is made of swords. _

 

_ His blood is of iron and his heart of glass _

 

_ He has overcome countless battlefields _

 

_ Not ever once retreating _

 

_ Not ever once victorious _

 

_ The orphan is alone again, striking diamond dust on a hill of swords _

 

_ But this life is not yet over _

 

_ His body was still made of swords _

 

**...**

“Mizuki, have you heard? It looks like the patient on the seventh floor woke up this morning. The doctor’s couldn’t believe it!” Chatter rang about in droves as hospital staff after staff raced through the hallways with a sense of urgency that did little to express the mass of excitement seemingly born from the fruit of their previous labors.

 

“The one from Fuyuki, right? I couldn’t believe it when Doctor Niijima told me during lunch. I think the poor man went into shock.” Fresh linen was passed from arm to arm and through the crowd of eager nurses were a few odd men in black, their beady eyes glancing from corner to corner with the barest hint of paranoia. “Did you hear what they’ve been saying he did when he woke up? I think the poor doctor scared him so much that the boy broke Niijima’s hand. The poor dear had no idea where he was and just reacted.”

 

“I would’ve thought atrophy would have gotten to him.”

 

“By all rights it should have, but you didn’t hear this from me. You know the Fujimura? The ones with the Yakuza? Apparently the heiress is our little cutie’s guardian. She came every day with a bunch of suspicious looking men to keep him in shape.”

 

“Come on, you have to be lying!”

 

“I’m being serious! Don’t act like you don’t remember her! Remember that crazy chick in high school, the one that did Kendo that we all used to call the Tiger? She was apparently the one who raised our little white haired man. Her family has been paying boatloads of cash to the doctors to make sure no detectives come around looking onto our patient. Just imagine, our little Shirou-kun, a mafia prince! Once he finds out how diligently we’ve been taking care of him, he’ll be our meal ticket out of this shithole!”

 

“But should we really be trying that after what happened to him? I mean, you all heard about what happened to Fuyuki… the poor kid shouldn’t have us all trying to come onto him after all of that. He must be taking it hard.”

 

“A little comfort the old fashion way wouldn’t hurt him… but you’re right. When Doctor Niijima broke the news that a massive bomb had gone off in old Fuyuki, I felt my heart tighten a little bit in my chest. He looked so devastated.”

 

“It made me tear up a little bit. I heard he survived the first fire in that damn city. To think that someone his age had to go through it again for a second time. He hasn’t spoken a word since he got the news. The doctor thinks he went into a mild shock. But there’s a little hope. Niijima said he’s calling in a therapist that Doctor Akisha recommended to him. You heard about her right, that Miss Aozaki? All the boys are crazy for her.”

 

“The one with the glasses and smells like shitty tobacco?”

 

“The very same! I heard she was dealing with a similar case downtown at another hospital but she took a hiatus and went to Fuyuki. She was the one who brought that boy here in the first place and I heard she’s been taking to visiting him every other week. Now that he’s been signed over to her, we aren’t allowed to kick her out anymore.”

 

“You don’t think they’re  _ related _ , are you?”

 

“I sure hope not. I’d prefer if my new mother in law wasn’t a serial smoker.”

 

**…**

 

Fire runs.

 

It runs across the darkness that lay below me. The void, lifeless place that had filled my eyes with darkness had been replaced with the color of fire that painted the world in an image that was a direct contradiction to its natural element.

 

Fire should not produce snow.

 

Pain filled my brain. I can tell. I understand perfectly where it was that I was kneeling without a stitch of clothing to warm my bare skin. I understand this magic perfectly, this absurdity given form in the recess of my soul. And that… makes my heart break. It was not the steel factory that I remembered from the heroic spirit that had once given me his arm. There were no burning fires or massive cogwheels that churned with every blade they produced. No, this place was the kind of hell that was frozen over, before biblical times described it with flame. An icy realm surrounded by over a thousand blades. In short, this is nothing more than a fanciful graveyard that directly insulted everything I had once lived for. Bitter cold and chilling winds. An endless graveyard of swords without owners extends to the horizon of this hellish tundra. All the swords that pierced the icy dirt were famous, yet in this place, they were not processed with grandeur like they had been in that  _ man’s _ world.

 

There was no end in sight and nothing  _ alive _ dwelled in this place. It was a representation of my psyche, a place so hollow that all meaning ceased to exist. A memorial to a dream that could not be put into words and a promise that had been broken.

 

“I should have taken you and ran.” I whispered bitterly, my breath visible in the chill air where I was unable to discern whether the sun or the moon was in the sky. For a moment, I doubted whether I had even said anything at all. Dead men did not speak. “Is this my punishment…? Is this the weight of our sins?”

I don’t know how long I kneeled in that Hell. I had no idea what it was that I was waiting for. Someone like me had nothing to return to in the outside world. Time had no meaning in this place and for the first time I wondered whether that red knight had a special hell like this to go to after he died. It was a thought that did not give me comfort. Snow piled itself upon my shoulders with each passing moment. This place went on for an eternity. To even consider exploring it was a pointless act not worth considering. It was empty, devoid of anything resembling human life except for the walking corpse that called it home. And yet despite all of that, despite the melancholy it made me feel looking at those swords, it was still me. It was the existence of Emiya Shirou, a place that many could walk, but only I could ever understand.

 

I should be dead. I have no ideal, no special someone to save. The thought alone is enough to increase the intensity of the blizzard that surrounded me.

 

But why was I saved? My eyes narrowed. An instant stretched into an eternity. I could make out something within this ice storm. A red scarf wrapped tightly around a traditional Japanese grave, the only memorial not a sword within this world. It was here that I tried to save everyone and lost everything in the end. It was here that even in this kingdom of the dead, the sakura flowers still bloomed even though the source had died.

 

My eyes watered.

 

_ Was this how you felt, Kiritsugu? _

 

**…**

 

The first thing I hear upon awakening is the sound of cheerful laughter and the scamper of small children as they raced their way down the hallway opposite of my door. It is a pleasant sound, a welcome change from the cold wind. Through their happy giggles, I could just barely make out the noise of nurses and patients conversing quietly, providing an ample sound of noise to prevent any unusually morbid thoughts from breaking the surface of my mind. In comparison to the nightmare I had allowed myself to fall into, the sound of bustling people, filled with  _ life _ was a welcome change from the loneliness of solitude. I’ve always enjoyed the sound of people passing me by. It meant they were safe. At point in my life it had meant that they had no reason to cry and thus I had no reason to interfere. Unfortunately, the pleasant conversations withered away as the forceful  _ clack _ of heels whispered in my ear.

 

My doctor was a blonde woman with a pleasing face.

 

“Ah, good. You’re awake, Mister Emiya. How are you feeling?”

Silence was my response and from the way her lips pursed and her azure eyes glazed over with worry, she was aware that it wasn’t by choice that I wasn’t speaking. It was more that I could not speak because I myself didn’t know how I was feeling.

 

“I won’t force you to speak, Mister Emiya,” She carefully sit on the edge of my hospital bed. She had a strange expression on her face as she glanced at the clipboard in her hands. “But I think it is important to explain your current situation. My colleagues don’t exactly agree but you’re a grown man and have had experience in this kind of thing. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to but can you recall the first fire that left you an orphan twelve years ago?”

 

Any response I may have had to her questions died at the mention of the fire. The Grail Wars. Her math was wrong. That event had happened  _ ten years _ ago. An unsuitable Master had touched the Grail like I almost had and the result was a disaster that erased the me that existed before the existence of the current Shirou Emiya. There was no  _ forgetting _ that. My vision blurs. For a brief moment I lose concentration and I can’t focus my eyes. But I hold myself firm. I hold onto the present me by clenching my teeth. I hold back my nauseous feelings at the mere thought  with the anger that boils inside me at the mere mention of that Hell.

 

“Mister Emiya? I know it is not a comfortable story. If you want, I can hold off on giving you the recap until another time when you’re more stable.”

 

I must have looked terrible. It wasn’t as extreme a reaction as most people thought. Her face reminded me of Rin’s just now with how concerned she looked for me.

 

“... No, it’s fine.” It really wasn’t but I couldn’t understand what was going on if I acted like the wound was still fresh every time someone mentioned it. In reality, I didn’t want to know what happened after that strange bright light. But I didn’t have a choice in the matter. Her eyes gaze at me strongly before she accepted my consent to continue on.

 

“Then I’ll tell you without any of the bullshit the surgeons felt like saying. Today’s date is June twelfth of the year nineteen ninety-eight. Two years ago on October thirtieth of nineteen ninety-six, several different bombs were set off around the perimeter of the western side of traditional Fuyuki where you and several civilians lived. Over three thousand people died in the explosion and you barely survived with the aid of a traveling doctor that was assisting us in the field prior to the terrorist bombing. Due to our sister hospital perishing in the blast with nearly all of its patients, you were brought here under the order of the Fujimura family. Does any of that sound familiar to you? A great fire overtook the city for seven nights.”

 

I can’t speak. I’m not even sure I can properly breathe. There had been a fire? The last thing I can remember is a sword that belonged to someone important to me - a friend or coworker maybe? - a blade made black by the mud of the Greater Grail. I remember Sakura’s smile and that name of the sword on my lips. But there had been no fire. That had been the reason I joined the Grail Wars to begin with. She must have been mistaken. Such an unfavorable outcome couldn’t have occurred after everything we lost.

 

“Mister Emiya, please try to relax.” I can barely hear her soft voice. I can barely hear anything over the pounding of my own heart. “I know it is difficult to believe that something so terrible could happen twice in one lifetime. My heart goes out to the people of Fuyuki. The fact that you willingly went back into the blaze is something to marvel at within itself. When the explosions happened, a student from your high school reported that you risked your life to find as many survivors as you could regardless of your own health. When the second explosion occurred, you suffered a serious head wound yet you kept on going. Our field agent reported that your body failed after two hours of serious smoke inhalation. She was able to recover you in time to revive your lungs and somehow there was no permanent damage. Yet your head wound was severe enough to put you in a strong coma and we feared the worst. I can’t say for sure whether your lungs won’t fail on you at some point in the future or if your memories of that night will ever return, Mister Emiya, but it's a miracle that you even survived. There is a God out there looking after you, young man. You walked out of Hell twice.”

 

I understand she’s trying to emphasise how important it was that I survived. The image she is trying to paint is that of a hero who saved people. But she is wrong. What she is saying is nothing more than a lie. I could not have saved anyone because I had died. I could not have saved anyone because it may have been I that had killed them all. Once again, I had sacrificed others so that I could keep on living.

 

“You’ve been diagnosed with survivor’s guilt in the past,” Her hands are soft as they grip mine in a gentle squeeze of reassurance. “No matter what you may believe, what happened that night was not your fault, Shirou-kun. You tried to save people but saving everyone is  _ impossible _ . There was nothing you could have done so please do not blame yourself.”

 

There was a hint of desperation in her tone. I have no idea what I must have looked like, but it was clear to the both of us that her words were empty. I had taken my father’s dreams and in the end had repeated his ultimate mistake. She could never understand that feeling. She was a doctor that saved others. She could never understand the mind of someone who desperately wanted to make sure that no one in his world would cry ever again. My heart hurts. She could not understand that the man in front of her was the one who had caused those tears.

 

She sighs softly. “For your personal safety, you’ll be stuck in physical therapy twice a day for the next two weeks with mental health sessions with our field agent afterwards both in the morning and in the afternoon before you go to sleep. Your body hasn’t suffered any extreme damage but your lack of movement for the past two years will have made your muscles stiff with disuse so please try hard to get them back to normal. As for your visiting hours, your doors will be available to any friends or family until 9pm. While you’re undergoing that, your previous guardian will be looking into housing for you as returning to Fuyuki is no longer an option. The reconstruction process is still ago and it’s been declared a no man’s land by the Minister. I know it isn’t ideal, but please bear with it till then.”

 

There was no argument from me, only a stiff nod. My gaze was kept firmly on my open palms. They may have appeared clean to her, but all I could see was mud. Maybe if there was any kindness left in Heaven, that mud would consume me. No matter how hard I tried to clench my fists and hide that ugliness that only I could see, my fingers would not move. It was the first time that I had noticed that I felt disconnected from my own body.

 

“Somehow I figured you wouldn’t have much to say,” The woman brushes her long blonde hair behind her ears and makes an attempt at smiling. It was such a pitiful thing that not even I could muster up the courage to make a liar’s attempt at returning one. “Shirou-kun, if you need anything, please don’t hesitate to call on any of the staff. We’re here to help you. Whenever you’re ready, Fujimura-sama would no doubt like to see you.” I just barely make out the  _ click _ of her heels as she approaches the door. Before she turns the handle, she turns back to me with a more real smile this time. “Ah! I don’t remember if I mentioned this or not, but that field agent of ours that brought you in will be your new therapist from now on. She’s a bit younger than me and I heard she’s quite the handful so be prepared, Shirou-kun.”

 

Unable to speak up, I lay back against my pillow, paralyzed by indecision. When I finally come back to myself, my room has darkened dramatically and I could just barely see the outer edge of the full moon in between the blinds of my room window. There’s a part of me that wants to break out of this place and quietly disappear.

 

It was a fitting thought for a villain like myself.

 

“-----------”

 

An answer.

 

I have to come up with an answer to how I am feeling, but my brain is so messed up that I can’t even come up with why I should be feeling anything at all.

\---------  _ Over three thousand people died in the explosion and you yourself barely survived…. A great fire overtook the city for seven nights _

 

_ There is a God looking after you. You walked out of Hell twice _ \----------

 

_ \-------But, if you’re to deny everything you’ve done to save one person - the crime will definitely judge you and you will crumble under its weight. _

 

My head hurts to the point of blurring my sight. It isn’t because of any feeling of agony that I should be feeling. It is  _ that _ feeling. That sense of emptiness that had rendered me an empty puppet without strings before I had ever met the man that would adopt me. The sense of nothingness that had devoured me as I watched people burn around me. A mother going back into her home to save a child that was already dead. A man sacrificing his significant other to save himself only to die a scant few minutes after. The emptiness that I felt just moments before I destroyed the Holy Grail like my father before me. The same strain that threatens to drive me mad with its lack of feeling. This was different than last time.

 

The inside of my hands bleed from the pressure as I force myself to feel something. Anything to make sure that I was still there. My right arm aches. It is a phantom pain, a remnant from something that used to be there. It's a pain that burns in my eyes every time I try to shift the offending limb to relieve the sweet agony it provides. It should not have been a comforting feeling, but it was the only thing  _ we  _ could do. If I could laugh, I would. There was a cruel irony in the fact that I took comfort in the phantom of a man who was just as much a failure as myself, an imitation that failed to be a hero as I failed to be a man. Was it because of that contradiction that I was allowed to live where others had died again? There is no hatred in this pain. There was a simple acceptance from someone who had taken another path.

 

Had he been standing before me now, I would have probably _ accepted _ his existence. How could I sneer at something so sullied as myself? His life had been ingrained into mine. His memories, his lack of victories and defeats. The reasons he had changed so much. Even now, I could see bits and pieces of a fate that could have been mine. I could see a time where I had been Kiritsugu Emiya’s son to the very end and not Illya’s brother. I could not see whether such a path was correct or not nor could I judge his way of life. Two great men sharing a life. We both had lost ourselves to our respectful ideals. We both wanted to save someone once. The beautiful things in life were ugly and the ugly things were beautiful. There was nothing to scoff at when looking at the choices we made so why was there such a deviation?

 

We  _ knew _ Hell.

 

But at one point we did not care.

 

There was an ideal and an oath he had to protect.

There was a girl and a promise I had to keep.

He did not care what he lost to do so.

I did not care what crimes I accumulated to do so.

 

Even when he was betrayed, he believed there would be a next time if he did not betray himself.

Even when I had betrayed myself, I believed there would be a next time if I stood firm.

He did not show grief or pain.

I could do neither of those.

 

And the result…

The dreams of Shirou Emiya will never be accomplished, and we both found out the hard way that our ideals were nonsense dreamed by a fool who is only a nuisance to others. When the smoke had cleared, that had been his end. When I learned the truth of my mistakes, of my failures, I had realized the ending before my own demise.

 

“So that’s it…?” I whisper, my voice cracked and unused. I could almost feel his stare on my back though I knew he was gone. The existence of Shirou Emiya had ended with the both of and what remained was something else. Could it be called Shirou Emiya? Could it fill the gap he left behind with its hollow self? No, no it could not. The Shirou Emiya that desired to be a Hero of Justice for one girl had buried himself with her and the man that would one day embody his great ideal was alone in his own self created Hell, forever lamenting his fate. Their memories, their dreams, and their skills are all there, somewhere in this Body where the Heart and Soul have long since departed. But what use were they to me who has nothing, believed in nothing? A corpse that sneered at its unsullied selves. Why was it that I could not cry? Why could I not mourn for what they both lost? There is no mistaking who I am, but the joined fusion of two great men make me feel as a puppet without strings. What  _ that  _ man believed in, what that boy believed in, was not something I could comprehend anymore.

 

“I think I understand now…” I mutter to myself with an almost resigned sigh. I could see Kiritsugu’s final smile with their eyes. His last words ringing in my ears.  _ Once you become an adult becoming a hero is impossible _ . Salvation for all is impossible, and salvation for one is just a fantasy covered in lies. And once I’ve realized that, that emptiness becomes more prominent, but something else is there now. I don’t know what it is. But the feeling of hopelessness and loneliness had become welcome in my chest. I’m finally allowed to feel some measure of pain, but that pain isn’t mine and I think if my heart was not made of glass, it would break. These were the feelings of two great men who had died to fulfill their dreams and failed. Me? I am no one, but I am the sum of their parts. A pointless existence. I don’t know why I am still alive or if this could truly be called living to begin with. 

 

But I am here, forging steel beneath the snow.

 

**…**

I wasn’t too sure how long I had been sitting in that bed. I refused to sleep. I had slept for long enough as it is. The sun rose and fell several times but the exact number was lost to me. It was the smallest consolation the world could offer what I used to be. With Fuyuki gone, there would be no Grail Wars or any hope of my fire ever returning to this land. It is a relieving feeling even if I’m positive I have no right to know its warmth. I wasn’t allowed much time to debate that notion when the nurse came in this morning to check on me. It was as simple examination and as fast as she came in she was gone. Still, she didn’t look to pleased by the fact that I hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep since the doctor visited me.

 

Taiga and Raiga came to visit me. Despite what happened, they still felt like family, as if everything that had happened simply didn’t exist. But that didn’t change the fact that things were different now and Raiga understood that more than my guardian. He mentioned something about my father under his breath but I couldn’t hear much of it. Whatever he had said had upset Taiga greatly and she refused to look at him for the rest of the visit. Despite my lack of care for much of anything, I didn’t want them upset and grasped at straws trying to draw them back into a conversation, anything to prevent that feeling from coming back for a little longer. It made them both happy and I allowed myself some measure of satisfaction. But despite my efforts, it didn’t change the fact that I couldn’t stay with them. That’s what they were planning to ask. Raiga knew my answer long before coming here, but we kept the conversation going for Taiga. We kept the farce that nothing changed so we could believe in it too. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that there was no way I could come back to that place.

 

**…**

“Oh?”

 

It was just before the clock struck midnight did a smooth, almost sensual voice reached my ears. With the room so quiet it may have well have been next to my ear and not from the doorway due to its sheer volume and presence. The voice was followed by clicking heels and the familiar sound of a door being shut without preamble. I knew who it was before she even introduced herself. My doctor warned me that I would be meeting their eccentric agent - the one who had the nerve to save someone like me.

 

“My, you clean up well,” Her voice was strange. Despite its suggestive tone, it came across as coming someone with a more motherly disposition. A woman you could picture wearing glasses and waiting for you to come home from school. “Well, I expected the hospital to stress you out, but when I left you had red hair and here you are, an old man already. You’re quite lucky, you know? Not all men can pull off that look as well as you can. I bet it if you swiped it back a little, you’d make quite the roguish character.” My prediction about her was correct. As she sat beside me, I could make out round rimmed glasses. Her hair was a shade darker than what I used to have before graying prematurely.

 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” she says with a strange smile, “I’m a field agent from the city so don’t expect any strange prescriptions from me. Doing that without an ID would get us into heaps of trouble and that wouldn’t be nice, no? I know as a trauma patient you may have expected that sort of thing but -”

 

“You’re not a doctor.” Her mannerisms, the way she speaks. They remind me of Rin and so I had no hesitation cutting her off. She has a scent I’ve come to recognize. If my interruption irritated her, she didn’t show it. In fact, she looked amused, as if she was expecting one thing and had gotten something else instead.

 

“My, it’s too early to spoil my fun, boya. Let a girl have some fun before you bring business into the mix. It’s a shame though. I owe that girl money now, it seems. Still, you’re right, I’m not exactly a doctor but obviously you don’t need one if all you’re going to do drive the nurses here insane with your stubborn behavior.”

 

“Why are you here?”

 

“Why? Well to take care of my new little assistant of course. I went to all this trouble of making a new shell for you to live in and I’m here to collect. Getting a favor out of Zelretch’s new apprentice sweetened the deal of course, but there’s something about you that makes me want to take you home and set you on the world.” My breath hitches. “Well that, and my other job isn’t exactly flowing with customers at the moment and I have another assistant to pay. Taking care of you helps him pay the bills so to speak and I get to laze around a little more.”

 

It was like a gun off went in my mind and in my grip I could feel the familiar handles of  _ his  _ blades forming in my palms. Three seconds. Three seconds to finish the battle before it even began. But with how weak my body was, the stranger was faster and within a single second I felt the heat of a flame kissing the underside of my chin. By all rights she could have killed me then, but all she did was smile, her eyes dancing with amusement.

 

“Scary, scary. That Tohsaka girl wasn’t kidding. Forming  _ Noble Phantasms _ out of nothing.” The flame left her hands and the weight from my half formed swords disappeared. A phantom pain stung my arms. She stands, stretching her arms above her head. “We can’t be having a fight in a public place like this, kiddo. I can’t afford the property damage and that pesky geis I’m under won’t help things either.” To my shock, she blatantly smokes within a hospital room. “That being said, I  _ am _ here to help you. Don’t you want a  _ beautiful _ Magus to talk to rather than one of those gossipy nurses or nagging doctors? You keep pretending that you’re suffering trauma and I can keep coming in to keep you company while making a little money here and there on the side. Besides, don’t you want to know what happened to the  _ Grail _ ?”

 

She’s smart. She has me at my weakest and she knows full well that there’s nothing I can do to stop her if I even so much as twitch the wrong way. But she isn’t taking advantage of it. She either has a kind heart or she’s planning something for me. Either way, it’s another trait that places her in the same league of Tohsaka. The idea absolute exchange. Whatever Rin promised her, she was going to get regardless of any misgivings I had. But she was offering compensation in a manner I couldn’t resist. And I can’t stand the eyes of those nurses at my beck and call anymore. They looked at me as if they could understand my struggle. I had no purpose anymore and this woman knew the reason why. There was no reason for me to say no to her request. A shell without reason wasn’t long for this world anyhow.

 

“I accept your request…?”

 

“Touko. Touko Aozaki at your service.” She took a quick dreg. “Puppet Maker extraordinaire and owner of Garan no Dou and of course, your new handler. After you went ahead and blew up the Holy Grail with that half baked Noble Phantasm, you destroyed that handsome little body of yours and promptly died afterwards.” 

 

“So you created this body?” I asked dryly.

 

The concept wasn’t unheard of but the amount of skill it would take would put even Rin on the lower end of the spectrum. The transferring of a soul from one shell to another took an excessive amount of experience and skill in Magecraft to even attempt, much less succeed. It would explain why my bodily functions are still slow and why she wasn’t dead a couple minutes ago when I had traced his blades. I had sat in this body for years without so much as moving and as a result, my mind and soul hadn’t truly accumulated to it. It was a concept similar to necrosis without it being a permanent thing. There was only one problem with it all. I was not aware of anything that had occurred after I utilized Excalibur. There was without a shadow of a doubt, that I had died in that very moment. My soul had left its container. Necromancy could not have brought me back or I would be nothing more than a shambling corpse.

“It doesn’t seem possible, does it?” She nods her head in affirmation, crushing the cigarette between her fingers. “In any other circumstance, I never would have been able to make the transition from your soul to a new shell. Your soul has technically passed on after all. A Magus cannot bring back the dead, only a wish can do that.”

 

Something goes cold in my heart.

 

“You can’t mean…”

 

“A homunculus like her didn’t have long to live. A wish was all she had.” Any cheerfulness in her voice died a violent death as she ripped off any mental scabs I could have possibly gained from my experience in the war. “With that little dress of hers, as the last Master, she made a wish upon that terrible thing. If her brother got a scant few minutes longer to live, then she didn’t mind making the trade off with her life.” She stood up without any resistance from me, offering me a cold smirk. “All actions have consequences, Emiya. Doesn’t look like I’ll be getting much out of you today anyhow so take some time to reflect on your actions, hero. Bye~!”

 

I didn’t hear the door shut. I didn’t so much as see her leave. I couldn’t stop the rapid feeling of my heart ripping itself out of my chest or the shaking of my hands against my lap. I can feel the urge to vomit rising from my stomach. I couldn’t garner the strength to call her back, to demand for her to stop lying to me…

 

It couldn’t be true.

 

I could hear a familiar tune amongst the snowfall.

 

_ A wish was all she had. _ It’s those words that shatter the glass.

 

Wallowing in my own pity, I had forgotten my own sister.

 

She isn’t here. I look out into the snow field. I can hear her song but I can’t make out the dancing snow fairy that had made my burden easier to bear. I can’t hear her calling for me to play with her anymore. These hands would never hold anything. Illya’s gone.  _ She’s gone. _

 

_ I’m so sorry, Kiritsugu. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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